The other night, my husband and I (and my mom, when she could get a word in edgewise) had a rather heated discussion about kids and sports. (Actually, we mostly referenced a particular kid and a particular sport, but I think our finely-wrought arguments could be extrapolated out and applied to the larger questions at hand.)
So, in very compressed little nutshells, here’s where we fell:
One of us thinks that pretty much all kids can get better (maybe even get good at) any chosen sport with some amount of focus and effort. And if a kid is stuggling, falling behind or sitting on the bench, a little elbow grease oughta fix that. (By the way, this line of reasoning didn’t come with the contention that kids shouldn’t quit sports they hated, just that they may grow to like something more as they improved.)
The other one of us counters that not all sports are for all kids, and that part of what kids do in trying out different extra-curriculars is discover which things they love and are good at (working with the presumption that we tend to love that which we’re good at) and which things aren’t a proper match. And that, not unlike dumping a sketchy boyfriend, it’s a good idea for kids to move beyond certain ill-suited sports (or activities) so that they don’t end up feeling like inadequate klutzes themselves.
(One of us may dispute the other one’s account of this discussion, but since I’ve currently got the pen in hand, let’s go with this …)
Both of us, by the way, love physical activity for a variety of reasons, including health, fresh air and fun, for us and for our little ones. We do, though, tend to choose rather different activities ourselves – one of us being more team oriented and competitive than the other. Maybe we bring our own leanings or baggage to this little chat, maybe not.
(Well, okay, we do. Duh.)
So, where do y’all stand on this? As parents (or teachers or coaches), what’s our job? To say ‘stick it out’ or to say ‘why not move on’? To say ‘you’ll get better’ or to say ‘there are others who are better’? To say ‘I love this sport – try it with me’ or to ask ‘what sport do you love’? To say anything or just to ask and receive?
And also, doesn’t this really transcend the track, field and stadium and address questions of what we choose to apply ourselves to in general? Are we always the best judges of what we’re good at? (I mean, all the writers I know judge their work with utter arsenic, so where’s the objectivity there? And yet, if nobody’s passing you the ball and you don’t know why, maybe there’s not arsenic enough.) Do we grow in strength and character working at what we’re not good at or do we grow in strength and character recognizing what we’re not good at? Do we tend to be good at what we love and love what we’re good at, or is that myth? What do we believe about any of this, and what do we teach our kids – about interests, passions, effort and esteem?
And sorry for the cloak and dagger phrasing here but I can be rather, um, convincing. So… I thought I should step out of the way and let you speak for yourselves. No doubt I won’t hold my tongue for long 🙂
I’m all for kids doing what’s in their hearts. Love basketball? Play and practice and play and enjoy yourself, even if you’re going to warm the bench. My brother was a very good football player, but he hated it — the pressure, the violence. He chose baseball, even though he wasn’t as good at it.
I think we often end up doing what we’re naturally kind of good at and we get better because we like it and are willing to put the work into it.
I’m not sure I answered any of your questions.
Well, I was terrible at golf when I first started. My only goal was to be comfortable enough to say yes if someone asked me to play. If I hit the ball at all, it was a triumph. Now I’m at the point where every once in awhile, I feel that I’m truly pitting myself against a course, planning and thinking and executing shots that I need to get through. It’s amazingly fun, and somewhere that I thought I’d never be. Same for yoga when I first started. I can’t say that anyone MADE me stick with either of these things, but if I’d have quit because I was bad at both of these activities, I would never have gotten to the fun part.
I do think kids do sports for all sorts of reasons other than that they’re good at them. Sometimes, they just like the team. Or the uniform. Or the snacks. Maybe the challenge would be to find the part of each sport they can enjoy. The part that could be applied to another game, at another time. It’s all part of learning who you are.
My actual position varies depending on the nature of the sport. For all of them, I think the kid should stay at it long enough to sort out if it’s something they, the kid, want to pursue.
For team sports, this means that if you signed up for the season, you have to finish the season. If it were something like soccer, and possible indoor winter or a spring season existed and the kid wanted out, I’d let them out. But not until the end of the fall season. Others are relying on you to be there.
For an individual sport like tennis or golf or bowling (again, as long as it’s not a team), I’d let them out sooner if they wanted out. But if the kid is happy to play, even if they aren’t innately talented, I’d let them go. Happy is good.
On the whole: All kids can improve their skills within a specific sport. But it doesn’t mean they’ll ever be any good at it. It comes down to letting the kid pick what they like for themselves. This applies to other activities as well: e.g., I was into music and drama (make that theatre, here) as a teen. I sang in all the available choral groups, played in all the available bands. S quit clarinet after 6th grade, and quit chorus after 7th (she still plays soccer,and was co-captain of the freshman team). M quit violin in 6th grade. She’s still singing and doing drama. She quit soccer as well, and gave up on softball, but she’s trying basketball now.
See, you know what I LOVE about this? Instead of voting with either one or the other of us, you guys have given me all the other potential options and takes on things. I mean, of COURSE kids do certain activities because of the uniforms or the BFFs who signed up, too. So do I. Right. Duh. And also, YES to doing what’s in their hearts, Linda, and happy is good, Kelly, and yes, yes, yes to working at something is sometimes how you GET to the fun part, Sara. You guys are just so right. Now here’s the part I left out. There were tears involved in our little scenario — a few different bouts of them — because our daughter wasn’t getting the plays and the hot shots were running circles around her. So the part that got confusing for me was, IS she really happy and doing what’s in her heart or is she doing what she thinks she oughta be doing?? The upside? The season’s over. She can decide in the spring what’s next. And the other upside? Spring is followed by summer and she’s an absolutely motorized FISH in the swimming pool. You win some, you lose some. Thanks, you guys, for your insight and wisdom…
I swear, Liz, this could have been the same discussion in my household this past week. Personally, I think it’s good for a child to get into some type of sport, whether it be solo or team oriented. Really for the health, confidence and discipline. But not all kids are athletically inclined, and would prefer to sit under a tree and read. And that’s okay, as long as they have some sort of exercise that gets them moving.
I think as parents, we need to provide as much opportunity for a child to explore sports, because they might not know they like something until they try it. And it could develop into a huge love, even though they are not the best in it.
But I’m with Kelly. If you sign up for something, you’re committed to it, unless there’s an extraordinary reason that prevents participation.
Ultimately, the child needs to love something to want to pursue it. It’s no fun to be pushed into doing those laps if you don’t want to…even if you are good at it. Love it and participate. That’s what I think.
from the sidelines
I think as a parent sometimes it is painful to watch our kids on the field getting ignored or being given the run around. I think it’s important to recognize though when it’s us that’s bothered by it or them. In our own house we were thinking a certain child of ours would be crushed after a game in which she touched the ball one time and one time only. But after a careful discussion afterwards it was deemed by us that she not only didn’t care, she didn’t even realize it. She was just having a blast running up and down the field and being a part of the team.
I agree too that finishing out the season is key. One can’t determine after just a couple of games whether it’s for them or not and also, the team depends on them being there.
I also feel that sometimes a coach is guilty of not playing the kids that aren’t that good. At the junior level EVERYONE should have equal playing time. In volleyball they rotate in on a beautifully regular system. In soccer it’s not so easy and it’s the coaches job to make sure everyone gets their time on the field.
And I pose another question, if a kid is really good at something, should they be encouraged to pursue it in lieu of trying any other things. I think that’s a common occurrence these days and I wonder how valuable that is to a kid.
Thanks for the food for thought.